Yesterday I had my first doctor appointment for the baby. Statistics say that the chances of miscarriage are significantly lessened if you hear the baby's heartbeat. We heard that BEAUTIFUL sound yesterday for the first time. And I was so happy to hear it.
SO WHY DON'T I FEEL BETTER????
I am truly struggling with the safety and health of my baby right now. I was expecting and hoping for an ultrasound yesterday. The doctor did not agree that I needed one because the heartbeat was so great and the baby seems to be doing fine. SEEMS???? But he doesn't know that right? I still did not get an ultrasound.
However, I realized on our way home that an ultrasound probably wouldn't relieve my fears completely anyway. You see, I was 14 weeks when I found out I had miscarried our daughter. The date was October 14th, 2009. I went to the doctor (all by myself) slightly concerned because it had been a week since I had felt the baby move but I wasn't really keeping tabs on movements because they are so light that early that a movement can be mistaken for something else. I was a little concerned but not really expecting anything to be wrong. I had had an ultrasound at 10 weeks and everything looked normal. Ok everything was perfect actually, it was the BEST ultrasound I had ever received. My little girl was moving all over the place and showing off for her mommy and daddy. It was absolutely priceless. I just didn't know how priceless it was at the time. I wasn't expecting those pictures to be the only pictures I would ever have. I found out that day at my supposed to be normal checkup that my baby had gone to be with Jesus.
So now back to this pregnancy. A crazy thing is that my next doctor's appointment will be at 14 weeks and the date of my appointment is October 13th. This was NOT planned. We wanted another baby but God determined when. God determined my due date to be April 12th. A little blessing at the time because I think that is so absolutely precious that exactly a year from when we should have had another little baby (April 9th), another little one will join us. I think that's really neat. A gift from God really! But I didn't realize until the nurse said the date of my next appointment how closely everything would fall on the dates. I'm not a mystic, I don't believe in fate or chance or destiny, I believe in God. He orchestrates everything for a purpose. I believe God had this planned for us. For me. But right now I'm scared and struggling to trust in His plans and timing.
Okay - just took a break and had a little cry fest on my hubbie's shoulder. I'm better now. :-)
I've been following Liz's blog, and hearing her story of how her current pregnancy is going. Her story is so different in her loss of a child than mine but I completely understand her fears and her pain. She and I will always miss our little ones. And we will always struggle with balancing the thought of losing another one and simply trusting God. It's something we cannot take for granted anymore. Her blog encouraged me today as she asked for prayer for her little one and stated that "I know that my trust has to be in God. He is the One sustaining this pregnancy, not medications or even all of my efforts." Thank you Liz for your encouragement today! God knew I needed to hear how I am not alone in my fears and use you to encourage me to have a more trusting heart to the God who plans and dictates everything, including the dates my babies were and are due.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in ithe depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.